If you are true to living your Strengths, expect these emotions...

by Dries Lombaard


Emotions are a part of being alive.  We all experience very different emotions every day, to various degrees of intensity.  Without it, we will not be human.
A true challenge for maturity is being emotionally intelligent - a buzz-word in our time.  In my opinion being emotionally intelligent can be reduced to two very simple realities:

First, being aware why you feel the emotions you experience, and secondly
being able to manage your behaviour and reactions towards those feelings in an appropriate manner.

When it comes to being aware of your personal Strengths and Weaknesses (or Talents, as I like to call them), there are two very distinct emotions that comes with those two realities.

With strengths comes the feelings of energy, fulfillment, engagement or positive experience.
With weakness comes the feelings of being drained, out of control, incapable or simply weak.

This is to be expected and nothing really new.

What I did find though, especially within my work with teams and organizations, is that people are not prepared for two very specific emotions that they experience the moment that the team (or partners) decide to intentionally become more "Strengths-based" - thus allowing different Talents to flow freely in a practical and confident manner.  They actually expect it to be a wonderful place where only strong emotions of unity, admiration and validation exists.

They are mostly caught off guard when that is not the case at all.  And then, unfortunately, the false expectations leads many of them to blame the "Strengths-based approach" to be misfiring or even failing.

These two emotions are a given when a team becomes fluent in, and liberated to play to their strengths:

Frustration and irritation.

Yes, you read it correctly.  Frustration and irritation with your team members or partners are a given whenever strengths shows up and starts to flow.  Have no illusion about this.

The source of these two emotions is also quite clear:  as soon as others have the freedom and confidence to be exactly who they are from a strengths perspective, and choose to take up the role and responsibility to let it out in manners of making it visible, audible and practical, their difference from us shines brightly, and often that difference is something that we experience as immense frustration or irritation.

You see, up to then, in my experience, we hid our frustration and irritation behind a passive aggressive layer of making others "feel good" by simply not speaking up, showing up or acting up at every opportunity where our natural strengths need to play openly.  When we are liberated from that hindrance, we simply love it!  But, we are also confronted by others showing up with who they are and what they have to offer with energy, conviction and passion.

Also, at its core, these emotions points to specific connections:  we feel frustrated when others do not understand or "get" our strengths at play, and we feel irritated when others play to their (often misunderstood) strengths at their turn.

What to do when these emotions surface:

• First of all, understand the source.  Understand where it comes from, and that it is actually a normal validation of different talents at play, rather that a sign of something gone wrong.  As I often tell the teams I work with:  "Difference is not wrong.  Difference is strong."
• Secondly, acknowledge your own frustration and irritation as - mostly - your own lack of understanding for the contribution from someone else's talents.  This is especially necessary when you are part of a team or a partnership that has a history of not speaking up or acting up, and actually played the game of passive aggressive tolerance of difference rather than let the unique energy and need of each member flow.
• Third:  channel the emotions wisely rather than suppressing it.  Use the frustration or irritation as an indicator towards exactly those areas where you probably need help most.  Mostly, you resist it because it drains you.  Not because it is wrong.  If you see someone else through the lens of what they bring as a strong contribution rather than through your (limited) lens of your own energy and need, you will experience that you actually start to admire that difference.
• Fourthly, also differentiate between a well-managed talent at play in others and in yourself, and a miss managed talent that often causes someone or yourself to be hijacked by the natural flow of energy and need.  All frustrating and irritating behaviour in others and in yourself is not necessarily an indication of a well managed talent at play.  It may well be that someone need to adjust their behaviour.  If this is true, be gracious in your approach.  Do not belittle their talent.  Rather offer help to make it function better.  (For more on the management of each of the different talent themes, read this post.)
• Finally, help create a safe environment for strengths to play.  Some talents simply need to be heard - listen to them.  Others need to substantiate and provide proof - let them.  Some talents are focused on the emotions of others - allow them that. Some talents are fast, while others are slow.  Be aware of it.  Make room for people to bring their talent needs forward without fear of rejection or fear of being patronized.  And this starts with you.  Not with the manager.  Not with your colleague.  With you.  Show awareness of difference in a positive way, and become the student of all talents and strengths at play.

For some it is surprising that a Strengths-based team is actually a team with much more interaction, confrontation, collaboration and debate that a team where people simply show up and nod in agreement.  Becoming a Strengths-based team means you can live with the reality of different energy and need at play.  You won't fear it, block it or resist it.  You will encourage it.

A Strengths-based team or partnership allows frustrations and irritations in a mature manner, because they understand at the end it leads to celebration and affirmation.  

And such a team, or partnership, believe me, is a thing of beauty.

Dries Lombaard is the co-owner of Strengths Institute South Africa, and has more than 7000 hours of Strengths Coaching experience over more than a decade.  He is leading a vibrant and growing network of Strengths Coaches in Southern Africa and Africa as a continent, and works with corporate and multinational leadership and management teams and C-level leaders as a Strengths Coach, Consultant and training facilitator.  

Research: We're not very Self-Aware, especially at work {Guest Article}

By Erich C. Dierdorff and Robert S. Rubin

If you’ve participated in a training or development program in the past two decades, chances are you took an assessment designed to increase self-awareness. While you may have discovered your “type,” “profile,” or “style,” it probably did little to make you a more effective leader or team member.

Put simply, self-awareness is understanding who we are and how we are similar to or different from others. One key facet is self-knowledge – how we see our various personality traits, values, attitudes, and behaviors. But another aspect is being aware of how consistent (or inconsistent) our self-view is compared to an external appraisal – how other people see us or against objective data. The latter is essential for transforming self-knowledge beyond mere personal introspection into accurate self-awareness.

Yet in talent development practice, companies spend millions of dollars and countless hours every year on self-reported assessments that only target self-knowledge. The core problem is that we’re notoriously poor judges of our own capabilities. A 2014 study of 22 meta-analyses (containing over 357,000 people) found an average correlation of .29 between self-evaluations and objective assessments (a correlation of 1.0 would indicate total accuracy). And the correlation was even lower for work-related skills. So my self-reported profile may suggest that I see myself as a persuasive speaker – but tell that to the audience who just fell asleep.

The punch line is that with no external data, the results of self-knowledge assessments are presumed to be accurate, when instead they may reinforce inaccurate perceptions of ourselves. The net result can be harmful to development and performance and, as we observed, the effectiveness of teams.

For teams to perform effectively, each member must possess a combination of technical and interpersonal skills and constantly adjust their contributions to meet the team’s needs. Correctly understanding one’s capabilities relative to others is therefore paramount.

To illustrate, we recently collected data from an executive development program at a Fortune 10 company. With 58 teams and more than 300 leaders performing in a dynamic and competitive business simulation, we tested the extent to which accurate self-awareness was related to team effectiveness, which was evaluated across a number of business metrics like market share, ROA, customer awareness, productivity, and so forth. Levels of team coordination and conflict management were also assessed. And what we found was striking.

First, when individuals were less self-aware (i.e., there was a large gap between the assessments of their own behavioral contributions and the assessments of their team members), the teams substantially suffered. In fact, teams with less self-aware individuals made worse decisions, engaged in less coordination, and showed less conflict management. These findings held even when we controlled for teams’ overall levels of teamwork.

Second, the most damaging situation occurred when teams were comprised of significant over-raters (i.e., individuals who thought they were contributing more than their team members thought they were). Just being surrounded by teammates of low self-awareness (or a bunch of over-raters) cut the chances of team success in half.

It’s clear that talent development interventions need to go beyond self-knowledge to be effective. So what should leaders and talent development professionals do? We see three tactics that can help people build accurate self-awareness.

Use self-awareness tools that are linked to performance. It’s no secret that many of the most popular developmental assessments used for gaining self-knowledge, such as the MBTI, DiSC, The Birkman Method, and The Core Values Index, woefully lack evidence linking their results to actual learning or job performance. Whatever instrument, exercise, or intervention you use must capture and deliver results that truly predict something of value. Use external benchmarks: measure how someone’s self-view compares to others’ views and measure how assessments directly relate to outcomes like increased learning and job performance.

Create a line-of-sight between self-awareness and personal job success. A wealth of research shows that when individuals see learning as valuable to their careers, they’re more motivated to learn and apply new skills to their roles. This means that we must directly communicate why the capabilities on which individuals are receiving feedback are actually relevant. Don’t assume that individuals already recognize the need for accurate self-awareness: substantial research shows that those most in need of improvement are the most unaware.

Teach self-development skills in addition to self-awareness. Acquiring accurate self-awareness is only the beginning – true personal development builds the capacity to take action. Most talent development efforts unfortunately fall short of teaching self-development skills, leaving behind a “knowing-doing gap.”

Research shows that multiple strategies can be brought to bear. For example, self-management training can help people plan, apply, monitor, and adjust their newly learned competencies. And by reinforcing that mistakes are natural to any learning process, error management training encourages deeper learning and the transfer of that learning back to one’s job. At the very least, demonstrate how imperfect self-views block the way to real and lasting behavioral change.

Will Rogers rightly once quipped, “It isn’t what we don’t know that gives us trouble, it’s what we know that ain’t so.” It’s time for talent development professionals to focus their development resources on the forms of self-awareness that matter most.

Erich C. Dierdorff is an associate professor of management in the Driehaus College of Business at DePaul University and co-director of BusinessEducationInsider.com

Robert S. Rubin is an associate professor of management in the Driehaus College of Business at DePaul University and co-director of BusinessEducationInsider.com

Managing your Talents [33] - Includer

By Dries Lombaard

According to Gallup, the essence of the talent theme of Includer is the following:

“Stretch the circle wider.” This is the philosophy around which you orient your life. You want to include people and make them feel part of the group. In direct contrast to those who are drawn only to exclusive groups, you actively avoid those groups that exclude others. You want to expand the group so that as many people as possible can benefit from its support. You hate the sight of someone on the outside looking in. You want to draw them in so that they can feel the warmth of the group. You are an instinctively accepting person. Regardless of race or sex or nationality or personality or faith, you cast few judgments. Judgments can hurt a person’s feelings. Why do that if you don’t have to? Your accepting nature does not necessarily rest on a belief that each of us is different and that one should respect these differences. Rather, it rests on your conviction that fundamentally we are all the same. We are all equally important. Thus, no one should be ignored. Each of us should be included. It is the least we all deserve.

But a talent like this on itself is quite meaningless unless you develop and manage it.   That is why we believe that "a well managed talent becomes a strength, but a mismanaged talent becomes a detriment".

How do you manage the talent of Includer?

Your Includer patterns of thoughts, feelings and behaviors are such a part of your nature that you will include without any prejudice.  Actually, to not include to you is a prejudice.  
This is obviously a quality to be treasured. But sometimes this quality can override the social- or emotional intelligence within a situation or relationship.  It is important to understand that inclusion is not by default a good thing.  Sometimes discretion is needed. Sometimes it is better for someone to be excluded than included.  This may cause emotions within you that resist the exclusion.  But your own emotional and social intelligence must then command your Includer talent to stand back. Widening the circle is not the only way to create acceptance, teams or synergy. In reality it could be detrimental towards these qualities.  There is a time to close a circle. To shut the door.  To not share an email. 

How?

Like so many other skills in talent management, it starts with the awareness of this natural reaction of your talent theme.  You will not think this to be the case.  You will not feel it to be right.  You will not want to act to exclude.  So it need to be a skill of mind over matter.  And this can only be the case once you see the "why" behind the action.  Obviously you are a natural includer and you need to stay exactly that.  But if you see and understand why some circles need to be closed, You will be able to do exactly that if you need to. Do not let your emotions take the lead over good judgement in this case. There really are something like "a need to know basis". Everyone need not to know, or to be included.

Your Includer pattern of thinking, feeling and emotion has a very specific need.....to include. This is a no brainer.  But what is just as strong, and something not all includes manage well, is the need to also be included. This is not a bad thing.  In reality everyone has the need to be included in some way or the other at times.  But with you, as a natural Includer, the need is a lot stronger. It can actually be overwhelming. You may even find that you battle emotions of rejection from time to time because you were excluded in some way. In many cases you also were not excluded at all....you were simply not included.  There is a difference. Very often also you were simply not part of the process, the team or the interaction. Your need for inclusion overwhelms you with feelings of rejection that nobody else projects towards you.  You may even be a nuisance to others by acting on this need for inclusion and therefor "forcing" yourself into the circle at every possible occasion.  Exactly that kind of behavior could then well cause intentional exclusion or rejection. But you caused it through letting your Includer talent hijack your emotions, thoughts and actions.  You can change this pattern.

How?

Stop.  Yes, it is that simple. Stop forcing yourself to be part of everything.  Accept that exclusion is not synonymous with rejection. Also accept the fact that as an Includer you may well be including someone and then be excluded by the same person - and it is not necessarily done with any negative intention in mind.

Remember that you do have control over your talents. You always have a choice.  At the Strengths Institute we have a principle as follows:  "If you know it, you can grow it.  If you understand it, you can command it.  If you know when you need it, you can feed it."  Your talents are not superpowers which you have no control over.  Then you are a victim of your own strengths. You are always in control of your own thinking, feelings and behavior.  Just take that control, otherwise your strengths will run wild.

Keep including. Do it wisely. Do it often. Do it well. Because you can!


Dries Lombaard is the co-owner of Strategic Leadership Institute and NeuWorx, and has more than 7000 hours of Strengths Coaching experience over the last decade.  He is leading a vibrant and growing network of Strengths Coaches in Southern Africa, and works with corporate and multinational leadership and management teams and C-level leaders as a Strengths Coach and training facilitator.  

Managing your Talents [32] - Harmony

By Dries Lombaard

According to Gallup, the essence of the talent theme of Harmony is the following:

You look for areas of agreement. In your view there is little to be gained from conflict and friction, so you seek to hold them to a minimum. When you know that the people around you hold differing views, you try to find the common ground. You try to steer

them away from confrontation and toward harmony. In fact, harmony is one of your guiding values. You can’t quite believe how much time is wasted by people trying to impose their views on others. Wouldn’t we all be more productive if we kept our opinions in check and instead looked for consensus and support? You believe we would, and you live by that belief. When others are sounding off about their goals, their claims, and their fervently held opinions, you hold your peace. When others strike out in a direction, you will willingly, in the service of harmony, modify your own objectives to merge with theirs (as long as their basic values do not clash with yours). When others start to argue about their pet theory or concept, you steer clear of the debate, preferring to talk about practical, down-to-earth matters on which you can all agree. In your view we are all in the same boat, and we need this boat to get where we are going. It is a good boat. There is no need to rock it just to show that you can.

But a talent like this on itself is quite meaningless unless you develop and manage it.   That is why we believe that "a well managed talent becomes a strength, but a mismanaged talent becomes a detriment".

How do you manage the talent of Harmony?

Your Harmony is very intuitive. It can sense an atmosphere in a room in an instant. The brilliance of this is that it can work for a win-win. But, most people with a strong Harmony talent do not like conflict at all. In fact, you may try to avoid it at all cost. 
You need to manage the fact that you will be involve in conflict in life. The only way to avoid it, is to either hide somewhere, or to capitulate on all your values, beliefs or needs. Your Harmony has a very strong emotional effect on you. But this should be an empowering emotion, not a paralyzing one.  Where other talents (like Command, for instance) are energized by confrontation, your Harmony may find it detrimental in a way that it completely drains you emotionally.  The feeling is normal.  The effect it may have on you need not be a detriment if managed well.

How?

Conflict management is a skill that you need to learn.  Remember that the skill of conflict management does not only apply to those who want to avoid it, but also to those who over-react to it.  You can find plenty of books and articles on conflict management. (Read one I wrote in this blog here.)  There are also numerous courses you can attend to develop a skill for optimum conflict management.  You will learn that there are different styles of conflict management, some which will suit your Harmony perfectly. (Read what I wrote about these styles here).  
What you may not realize is that a well managed Harmony has the ability to engage in conflict in a manner which will give the advantage of outcome not only to you, but to others also.  A true win-win.  

Harmony contributes harmony.  It has a need for peace and fairness. Just remember that a Harmony talent which is over-used may actually hinder development and growth, in yourself and others. The Harmony talent is one of those which goes with strong Emotional Intelligence.  All talents need high EQ, but the Relational talents (like Harmony) thrives when it is supported by EQ.  Sometimes the over-use of Harmony causes you to actually have a detrimental effect on productivity, growth or development.  That is simply because harmony is not always the best environment where growth, development or productivity occurs best.  People grow outside of their comfort zone.  And mostly that means that they are "out of harmony".  And you will have to allow this to happen.

How?

Be conscious of the fact that some situations need NOT to be harmonious, but actually uncomfortable.  Manage your emotions in such a way that it allows this kind of situation.  Mostly it is simply a decision. If you see the outcome as positive and needed you will be more in control of this emotion.
Harmony is a natural emotional need with you. So it will always take conscious decisions to hold that emotion in check.  It is a "mind over emotion" action.
Remember that you cannot "switch off" a talent theme.  And you should never attempt to.  But, you can turn down the volume, or add some base, treble or rhythm to it.  All this is possible with conscious decisions and a desirable outcome.

Go create harmony!!


Dries Lombaard is the co-owner of Strategic Leadership Institute and NeuWorx, and has more than 7000 hours of Strengths Coaching experience over the last decade.  He is leading a vibrant and growing network of Strengths Coaches in Southern Africa, and works with corporate and multinational leadership and management teams and C-level leaders as a Strengths Coach and training facilitator.  

Managing your Talents [31] - Empathy

By Dries Lombaard

According to Gallup, the essence of the talent theme of Empathy is the following:

"You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person’s perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person’s predicament — this would be sympathy, not Empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. This instinctive ability to understand is powerful. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need. Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings — to themselves as well as to others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you."

But a talent like this on itself is quite meaningless unless you develop and manage it. That is why we believe that "a well managed talent becomes a strength, but a mismanaged talent becomes a detriment".

How do you manage the talent of Empathy?

The talent of Empathy is very unique in the way it gives you a sense of emotions. It can be regarded as one of only a few "sensing" talent themes - giving you the ability to sense emotions intuitively.

This intuition of yours will create a sense of trust in most people when they encounter you.  They are aware of your respect for their emotions.  But, in the same way it can also be in a strange way "threatening" to some.  The fact that you are tuned in to the emotions around you, and intuitively sense it in people, also cause your behavior to be accurate when you respond to peoples emotions.  When people then try to hide their feelings - for whatever reason - and the see you reacting to their "hidden emotions", they may withdraw from you.  Do not take this personally.  You will want to manage the circumstance and manage your own emotions if this happens.

How?

Be aware of your intuitive sense, and therefor the fact that people may find it awkward or uncomfortable when you sense how they feel, and react to it. Remember that it is absolutely natural for you to be tuned in to emotions. The mere fact that you feel what others feel is a gift. Manage this gift by acquiring a sensitivity towards people when you pick up that they may feel uncomfortable in your presence. Do not talk about emotions or personal things - rather make small talk and set them at ease. The most important skill you should have is the ability to know when people opens the foot for you to enter into their emotional world, and when you  should not.  This is the essence of respect for boundaries. And this is a skill of emotional intelligence and maturity. Practice this, without being withdrawn from people as they might need you to step closer to their hearts. But make sure they are ready.

Do not mistake this beautiful talent theme as useless when it comes to leadership or to high performance environments. If well managed, this is exactly where your talent can make a huge difference!

People make the huge mistake to stereotype certain talent themes and box them within specific environments, to specific roles or within specific functions. With Empathy people may see it as a "soft" talent that cannot be assertive or lead with confidence. Nonsense. A well managed Empathy is exactly what people need in leadership. Especially within the corporate business world, leadership is misunderstood as emotionless drive.  Actually, what followers need is compassion, stability, trust and hope (Strengths Based Leadership, Tom Rath, Gallup Press). The Empathy talent is a perfect fit for these needs in followers.  But you should put it out there with decisiveness.

How?

Do not look down on your Empathy talent (or on those of others) as a "soft, push-over" type of talent.  That is a wrong assumption and actually the core of projection, labeling and judging.  A well managed Empathy is actually an extremely strong and stable talent theme.  You stand firm when most crumble under the weight of emotional pressure or emotional turmoil.  And, believe it or not, people and emotion goes together....
Celebrate your Empathy talent by embracing it as a strength. It makes you strong. It gives you an important advantage. It is an ability of intuition that is exactly what the world needs more of.  

Finally:  most people are very upset when Empathy is assessed as being low on their StrengthsFinder Full 34 report.  "But, I have empathy!" or "I am not a heartless person!" will be the feedback I hear.
Listen....we can all care.  We should care.  But empathy is not caring. Caring is sympathy.
Empathy is "Carrying".  If you carry the emotions and feelings with someone, in your thoughts, emotions and actions, then you have empathy.  And if you carry without even deciding to - then you have the talent of Empathy!

Lead with empathy. Live with empathy. It is a strength.

Dries Lombaard is the co-owner of Strategic Leadership Institute and NeuWorx, and has more than 7000 hours of Strengths Coaching experience over the last decade.  He is leading a vibrant and growing network of Strengths Coaches in Southern Africa, and works with corporate and multinational leadership and management teams and C-level leaders as a Strengths Coach and training facilitator.