Managing your Talents [33] - Includer

By Dries Lombaard

According to Gallup, the essence of the talent theme of Includer is the following:

“Stretch the circle wider.” This is the philosophy around which you orient your life. You want to include people and make them feel part of the group. In direct contrast to those who are drawn only to exclusive groups, you actively avoid those groups that exclude others. You want to expand the group so that as many people as possible can benefit from its support. You hate the sight of someone on the outside looking in. You want to draw them in so that they can feel the warmth of the group. You are an instinctively accepting person. Regardless of race or sex or nationality or personality or faith, you cast few judgments. Judgments can hurt a person’s feelings. Why do that if you don’t have to? Your accepting nature does not necessarily rest on a belief that each of us is different and that one should respect these differences. Rather, it rests on your conviction that fundamentally we are all the same. We are all equally important. Thus, no one should be ignored. Each of us should be included. It is the least we all deserve.

But a talent like this on itself is quite meaningless unless you develop and manage it.   That is why we believe that "a well managed talent becomes a strength, but a mismanaged talent becomes a detriment".

How do you manage the talent of Includer?

Your Includer patterns of thoughts, feelings and behaviors are such a part of your nature that you will include without any prejudice.  Actually, to not include to you is a prejudice.  
This is obviously a quality to be treasured. But sometimes this quality can override the social- or emotional intelligence within a situation or relationship.  It is important to understand that inclusion is not by default a good thing.  Sometimes discretion is needed. Sometimes it is better for someone to be excluded than included.  This may cause emotions within you that resist the exclusion.  But your own emotional and social intelligence must then command your Includer talent to stand back. Widening the circle is not the only way to create acceptance, teams or synergy. In reality it could be detrimental towards these qualities.  There is a time to close a circle. To shut the door.  To not share an email. 

How?

Like so many other skills in talent management, it starts with the awareness of this natural reaction of your talent theme.  You will not think this to be the case.  You will not feel it to be right.  You will not want to act to exclude.  So it need to be a skill of mind over matter.  And this can only be the case once you see the "why" behind the action.  Obviously you are a natural includer and you need to stay exactly that.  But if you see and understand why some circles need to be closed, You will be able to do exactly that if you need to. Do not let your emotions take the lead over good judgement in this case. There really are something like "a need to know basis". Everyone need not to know, or to be included.

Your Includer pattern of thinking, feeling and emotion has a very specific need.....to include. This is a no brainer.  But what is just as strong, and something not all includes manage well, is the need to also be included. This is not a bad thing.  In reality everyone has the need to be included in some way or the other at times.  But with you, as a natural Includer, the need is a lot stronger. It can actually be overwhelming. You may even find that you battle emotions of rejection from time to time because you were excluded in some way. In many cases you also were not excluded at all....you were simply not included.  There is a difference. Very often also you were simply not part of the process, the team or the interaction. Your need for inclusion overwhelms you with feelings of rejection that nobody else projects towards you.  You may even be a nuisance to others by acting on this need for inclusion and therefor "forcing" yourself into the circle at every possible occasion.  Exactly that kind of behavior could then well cause intentional exclusion or rejection. But you caused it through letting your Includer talent hijack your emotions, thoughts and actions.  You can change this pattern.

How?

Stop.  Yes, it is that simple. Stop forcing yourself to be part of everything.  Accept that exclusion is not synonymous with rejection. Also accept the fact that as an Includer you may well be including someone and then be excluded by the same person - and it is not necessarily done with any negative intention in mind.

Remember that you do have control over your talents. You always have a choice.  At the Strengths Institute we have a principle as follows:  "If you know it, you can grow it.  If you understand it, you can command it.  If you know when you need it, you can feed it."  Your talents are not superpowers which you have no control over.  Then you are a victim of your own strengths. You are always in control of your own thinking, feelings and behavior.  Just take that control, otherwise your strengths will run wild.

Keep including. Do it wisely. Do it often. Do it well. Because you can!


Dries Lombaard is the co-owner of Strategic Leadership Institute and NeuWorx, and has more than 7000 hours of Strengths Coaching experience over the last decade.  He is leading a vibrant and growing network of Strengths Coaches in Southern Africa, and works with corporate and multinational leadership and management teams and C-level leaders as a Strengths Coach and training facilitator.