Managing your Talents [31] - Empathy

By Dries Lombaard

According to Gallup, the essence of the talent theme of Empathy is the following:

"You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person’s perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person’s predicament — this would be sympathy, not Empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. This instinctive ability to understand is powerful. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need. Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings — to themselves as well as to others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you."

But a talent like this on itself is quite meaningless unless you develop and manage it. That is why we believe that "a well managed talent becomes a strength, but a mismanaged talent becomes a detriment".

How do you manage the talent of Empathy?

The talent of Empathy is very unique in the way it gives you a sense of emotions. It can be regarded as one of only a few "sensing" talent themes - giving you the ability to sense emotions intuitively.

This intuition of yours will create a sense of trust in most people when they encounter you.  They are aware of your respect for their emotions.  But, in the same way it can also be in a strange way "threatening" to some.  The fact that you are tuned in to the emotions around you, and intuitively sense it in people, also cause your behavior to be accurate when you respond to peoples emotions.  When people then try to hide their feelings - for whatever reason - and the see you reacting to their "hidden emotions", they may withdraw from you.  Do not take this personally.  You will want to manage the circumstance and manage your own emotions if this happens.

How?

Be aware of your intuitive sense, and therefor the fact that people may find it awkward or uncomfortable when you sense how they feel, and react to it. Remember that it is absolutely natural for you to be tuned in to emotions. The mere fact that you feel what others feel is a gift. Manage this gift by acquiring a sensitivity towards people when you pick up that they may feel uncomfortable in your presence. Do not talk about emotions or personal things - rather make small talk and set them at ease. The most important skill you should have is the ability to know when people opens the foot for you to enter into their emotional world, and when you  should not.  This is the essence of respect for boundaries. And this is a skill of emotional intelligence and maturity. Practice this, without being withdrawn from people as they might need you to step closer to their hearts. But make sure they are ready.

Do not mistake this beautiful talent theme as useless when it comes to leadership or to high performance environments. If well managed, this is exactly where your talent can make a huge difference!

People make the huge mistake to stereotype certain talent themes and box them within specific environments, to specific roles or within specific functions. With Empathy people may see it as a "soft" talent that cannot be assertive or lead with confidence. Nonsense. A well managed Empathy is exactly what people need in leadership. Especially within the corporate business world, leadership is misunderstood as emotionless drive.  Actually, what followers need is compassion, stability, trust and hope (Strengths Based Leadership, Tom Rath, Gallup Press). The Empathy talent is a perfect fit for these needs in followers.  But you should put it out there with decisiveness.

How?

Do not look down on your Empathy talent (or on those of others) as a "soft, push-over" type of talent.  That is a wrong assumption and actually the core of projection, labeling and judging.  A well managed Empathy is actually an extremely strong and stable talent theme.  You stand firm when most crumble under the weight of emotional pressure or emotional turmoil.  And, believe it or not, people and emotion goes together....
Celebrate your Empathy talent by embracing it as a strength. It makes you strong. It gives you an important advantage. It is an ability of intuition that is exactly what the world needs more of.  

Finally:  most people are very upset when Empathy is assessed as being low on their StrengthsFinder Full 34 report.  "But, I have empathy!" or "I am not a heartless person!" will be the feedback I hear.
Listen....we can all care.  We should care.  But empathy is not caring. Caring is sympathy.
Empathy is "Carrying".  If you carry the emotions and feelings with someone, in your thoughts, emotions and actions, then you have empathy.  And if you carry without even deciding to - then you have the talent of Empathy!

Lead with empathy. Live with empathy. It is a strength.

Dries Lombaard is the co-owner of Strategic Leadership Institute and NeuWorx, and has more than 7000 hours of Strengths Coaching experience over the last decade.  He is leading a vibrant and growing network of Strengths Coaches in Southern Africa, and works with corporate and multinational leadership and management teams and C-level leaders as a Strengths Coach and training facilitator.