Emotions are a part of being alive. We all experience very different emotions every day, to various degrees of intensity. Without it, we will not be human.
A true challenge for maturity is being emotionally intelligent - a buzz-word in our time. In my opinion being emotionally intelligent can be reduced to two very simple realities:
First, being aware why you feel the emotions you experience, and secondly
being able to manage your behaviour and reactions towards those feelings in an appropriate manner.
When it comes to being aware of your personal Strengths and Weaknesses (or Talents, as I like to call them), there are two very distinct emotions that comes with those two realities.
With strengths comes the feelings of energy, fulfillment, engagement or positive experience.
With weakness comes the feelings of being drained, out of control, incapable or simply weak.
This is to be expected and nothing really new.
What I did find though, especially within my work with teams and organizations, is that people are not prepared for two very specific emotions that they experience the moment that the team (or partners) decide to intentionally become more "Strengths-based" - thus allowing different Talents to flow freely in a practical and confident manner. They actually expect it to be a wonderful place where only strong emotions of unity, admiration and validation exists.
They are mostly caught off guard when that is not the case at all. And then, unfortunately, the false expectations leads many of them to blame the "Strengths-based approach" to be misfiring or even failing.
These two emotions are a given when a team becomes fluent in, and liberated to play to their strengths:
Frustration and irritation.
Yes, you read it correctly. Frustration and irritation with your team members or partners are a given whenever strengths shows up and starts to flow. Have no illusion about this.
The source of these two emotions is also quite clear: as soon as others have the freedom and confidence to be exactly who they are from a strengths perspective, and choose to take up the role and responsibility to let it out in manners of making it visible, audible and practical, their difference from us shines brightly, and often that difference is something that we experience as immense frustration or irritation.
You see, up to then, in my experience, we hid our frustration and irritation behind a passive aggressive layer of making others "feel good" by simply not speaking up, showing up or acting up at every opportunity where our natural strengths need to play openly. When we are liberated from that hindrance, we simply love it! But, we are also confronted by others showing up with who they are and what they have to offer with energy, conviction and passion.
Also, at its core, these emotions points to specific connections: we feel frustrated when others do not understand or "get" our strengths at play, and we feel irritated when others play to their (often misunderstood) strengths at their turn.
What to do when these emotions surface:
- First of all, understand the source. Understand where it comes from, and that it is actually a normal validation of different talents at play, rather that a sign of something gone wrong. As I often tell the teams I work with: "Difference is not wrong. Difference is strong."
- Secondly, acknowledge your own frustration and irritation as - mostly - your own lack of understanding for the contribution from someone else's talents. This is especially necessary when you are part of a team or a partnership that has a history of not speaking up or acting up, and actually played the game of passive aggressive tolerance of difference rather than let the unique energy and need of each member flow.
- Third: channel the emotions wisely rather than suppressing it. Use the frustration or irritation as an indicator towards exactly those areas where you probably need help most. Mostly, you resist it because it drains you. Not because it is wrong. If you see someone else through the lens of what they bring as a strong contribution rather than through your (limited) lens of your own energy and need, you will experience that you actually start to admire that difference.
- Fourthly, also differentiate between a well-managed talent at play in others and in yourself, and a miss managed talent that often causes someone or yourself to be hijacked by the natural flow of energy and need. All frustrating and irritating behaviour in others and in yourself is not necessarily an indication of a well managed talent at play. It may well be that someone need to adjust their behaviour. If this is true, be gracious in your approach. Do not belittle their talent. Rather offer help to make it function better. (For more on the management of each of the different talent themes, read this post.)
- Finally, help create a safe environment for strengths to play. Some talents simply need to be heard - listen to them. Others need to substantiate and provide proof - let them. Some talents are focused on the emotions of others - allow them that. Some talents are fast, while others are slow. Be aware of it. Make room for people to bring their talent needs forward without fear of rejection or fear of being patronized. And this starts with you. Not with the manager. Not with your colleague. With you. Show awareness of difference in a positive way, and become the student of all talents and strengths at play.
For some it is surprising that a Strengths-based team is actually a team with much more interaction, confrontation, collaboration and debate that a team where people simply show up and nod in agreement. Becoming a Strengths-based team means you can live with the reality of different energy and need at play. You won't fear it, block it or resist it. You will encourage it.
A Strengths-based team or partnership allows frustrations and irritations in a mature manner, because they understand at the end it leads to celebration and affirmation.
And such a team, or partnership, believe me, is a thing of beauty.
Dries Lombaard is the co-owner of Strengths Institute South Africa, and has more than 7000 hours of Strengths Coaching experience over more than a decade. He is leading a vibrant and growing network of Strengths Coaches in Southern Africa and Africa as a continent, and works with corporate and multinational leadership and management teams and C-level leaders as a Strengths Coach, Consultant and training facilitator.
