Understanding "Weakness" from a Strengths Coaching perspective

by Dries Lombaard


"Embrace your Weaknesses"

I love to see the expression on peoples faces when I make the above statement.  It is a foreign concept to most.  It is as if we have been conditioned to be ashamed of our natural weaknesses.  
To hide it, hate it, or ignore it.

Or then, in an effort not to have weakness, to spend as much energy as possible on it to try and fix it, improve it and erase it.

Unfortunately none of the above strategies have the results you hope for.  Your weaknesses are a reality just like your strengths.  No person is without it. 

It is essential to understand the meaning of Weakness just like we explained the meaning of Strength in Part 1 of this Blog. So let's unpack some of it's characteristics.

1. Weakness is a severe lack of energy

• The biggest misconception out there, is that weakness and lack of skill is the same thing.  Not so.  You can be the most skilled person in the room, and still be building on a weakness.  How do you know?  Skill won't energise you.  Talent does.  When you add knowledge, skill and experience to natural talent, you have a strength.
• It is important to keep in mind that weakness is not lack of ability.  Weakness is the lack of sustainability.  You may operate pretty well in some of your weaknesses, especially if you rely on skill to do so.  But be very sure:  it is not sustainable.  Just like playing a shot from the bunker in golf, you can play a brilliant shot. But should I ask you to play it again, and again....you will probably find it more and more difficult to repeat your success from relying on your skill alone.  
• In the same way as we are wired with sustainable energy within certain areas of talent, we have a lack of energy for other areas.  This reality cause us to feel weak, drained or demotivated when we have to engage with specific thoughts, emotions or behaviours.  

2. Weakness cause resistance

• Weakness is not alone a lack of energy towards specific thoughts, emotions or behaviour.  It is is actual resistance towards it. You will - consciously or sub-consciously - resist certain ways of doing things, certain patterns of thinking or certain emotional expressions or interactions.  That in itself is normal, and just as part of who you are as your energy and needs allow you to be.

3. You should manage your weaknesses and your exposure to them

• Sometimes I explain the effect of your Non Patterns (weaknesses) have on you by comparing it to the effect Kryptonite has on Superman. It steals his super-powers.  It makes him feel weak.  Eventually it has the ability to kill him.  Now, operating within your weaknesses won't kill you like Kryptonite does Superman!  But it will have a very specific negative effect on you if you are consistently exposed to it. A draining, weakening effect.  
• Because of this you need to do the same to your weaknesses as you would do with the bunkers on a golf course.  Avoid them.  Play around them, or over them.  Intentionally try as hard as you can to not having to rely on your natural weaknesses.  This is exactly why you should know what your natural weaknesses are, and how they manifest in different areas or situations of you life.  If you know that, you know what to avoid.
• You cannot always avoid being in a specific situation, among specific people or faced with a specific challenge.  When life takes you places you do not prefer to go, you need to be able and skilled to handle the roads.  This is exactly why there is no such thing as "ignore your weaknesses".  You cannot ignore them.  You need to embrace them.  But, you should not invest more in them than the absolute minimum time and effort you need in order for it NOT to be a detriment to your Strengths. 
• An important part of you managing your weakness is being open to yourself and to others when it comes to the expectations and realities you - and they - will face when you are functioning within your Non Patterns, or your "weakness space" if I can call it that.  Do not try to hide your weaknesses.  Communicate them openly - not as an excuse but as a reality.  Simply make others aware that they will not get the same energy, results or performance from you when you play from your Non Patterns, as they will when you play from your Dominant Themes.  In most cases people wo live or work with you will in any case know that even better than you do, as they often observe how you struggle better than you think.  So, embracing your weaknesses means you stop hiding them or stop covering them up with excuses.  

4. Making up for your Weaknesses

• You should develop the knowledge and skill to make up for your natural weakness, as life will take you there if you choose to or not.  You cannot tell your boss "Sorry, I am not wired to hand in reports", or tell you friends "I am actually not naturally supportive at all."  Well, actually you can do it. But the result will be defining to your career and relationships - in a negative way.  As human beings we are able to acquire an amazing array of skills. Yes, you probably can do anything you want to in life - but as I often tell my children, the fact that you can does not mean that you should.  Choose the places where you invest your energy in carefully.  But when it comes to the draining effect of Weakness on us, obtaining the knowledge, skill and experience to at least "keep the vehicle on the road" is essential. We call that, in many cases, life skills.  These are the skills teenagers and young people lack - and you can observe it in the results of their actions and decisions.  
• When making up for weakness with skill you should understand that it is sometimes "soft skills" and other times "hard skills".  In order to understand and operate in my business I had to obtain the hard skills of using and understanding spreadsheets and budgets.  I hate every moment of working with it.  But obtaining the skills (even very basic) made all the difference in me managing it.  I also constantly have to obtain certain emotional skills in my life.  It does not come natural to me.  But, as I choose to manage my emotions I handle my weaknesses in that area with a lot more grace and efficiency. These weaknesses is not a detriment to me any longer, as I developed the skills to at the very least "keep the vehicle on the road during a storm." 
• Another way to make up for the draining effect of your weakness is to work in a team or partnership with someone who is strong where you are weak.  Somebody who loves the stuff you hate.  Who get energised by the exact things that drains the life out of you.  Actually, I find that in most life partnerships, we tend to gravitate towards a partner or spouse that is completely opposite than we are.  What a team!  But in business and other areas of life we need to be very intentional in doing exactly this.  Find out who sits up straight when your shoulders drop, who smile when you frown, who picks up speed when you slow down, who makes the call when you hesitate, who brings the intuition when you bring the facts, who finishes well if you start well....those are your true partners who will make the team work and win with you.  Study the best teams or best partnerships.  You will see how it is in their difference that they are strong.

5. The myth of "My Strength is my Weakness"

• Your natural Strengths will never be your weakness, simply because it will never weaken you.  It is your ability to manage the energy that comes with that talent that makes you experience it as a weakness.  But, it is actually a detriment. Just like the super power of a Super Hero character cause them detriment
• Yes, the result of an overused Strength can cause detriment.  But detriment is different than weakness.  Detriment can be changed into advantage. Weakness cannot be changed into Strength.  (Do not confuse talent and skill in this point!)
• What drains and weakens you, will always have that effect of you.  You can mitigate and manage the effect by adding knowledge and skill, and you should. But is stays a weakness - not sustainable and not a good investment of time and energy.  

"A well manage talent becomes a Strength. A miss managed talent becomes a detriment."   

So, the effect of your talent is determined by how you manage it.  If you don't manage the energy and need well, it will become an obstacle to yourself and others.  

Don't play towards your weaknesses. Avoid the bunkers.  

But when you do get stuck in them, do not be overwhelmed or paralysed.  Play to the situation as best you can.  Learn from every move.  

Then - get out of there as soon as you can.

The challenge of life is to play the whole field.  We have 34 Talent Themes. Some strong. Others weak.  But there is nothing we cannot do.

The right question is:  What should you be doing?

Dries Lombaard is the co-owner of Strategic Leadership Institute and NeuWorx, and has more than 7000 hours of Strengths Coaching experience over the last decade.  He is leading a vibrant and growing network of Strengths Coaches in Southern Africa, and works with corporate and multinational leadership and management teams and C-level leaders as a Strengths Coach and training facilitator.  

Compensating for my Weaknesses by living my Strengths

Weakness:  Adaptability

Today set the stage perfectly. I had my day planned, my agenda set out and just could not find the odd moment in between to "quickly" add my contribution regarding this non-pattern! Believe me I tried! LOL! I Just could NOT respond in the now! I had to PLAN when I was going to respond! 
With Strategic #1 I always thought I was fairly adaptable. Over time I have realized that I actually need to plan things, even in splits of seconds or minutes. Never agenda-less. I can react fairly well to the unforeseen, in logical planned steps!

Weakness:  Context

When we play strongly in our strengths-arena, we so graciously compensate for our non-patterns that looking at them individually and scrutinizing the aspects that caused them to be ranked so low is an unnatural act in itself. It is almost "non-patternish"

Anyway, today I had the unfortunate privilege to check the stock sheets in our practice. Our software system does not give me the information my strategic and analytical needs, and I created a new way (ideation) that would provide us with more information to analyze. For this, I had to dig up invoices from the past 18 months! I could feel the agony of dealing with the old to create something new in my bones. Fortunately, my achiever turned my moves into robotic actions and I gradually gathering all the information. Even though I am drained I am very chuffed for completing. I can see the value of the past but I am grateful that I do not have to play there every day!

Weakness:  Consistency

I often wondered why Consistency is a non-pattern for me. I teach others on Policies an Procedures, I loathe unfairness more than I love fairness, I teach my children that rules can protect more than it can harm but still it came out low.

I discovered my answer in the fact that it is an Executional theme. When I have to get things done, the aim is to get it done within my own set of high values. If I have to do it within a set of rules that don't make sense tome, I will be more than happy to bend, alter, or rewrite them completely so that it makes sense to me. 

With my strong Influencing themes it actually comes naturally to challenge rules in order to create better ones. Until the situation asks for a new set of rules. Changing it is much more creative than following them just because they are there. 

This makes it difficult for people to get me. The people that know me well also know that I operate from strong values and that, even if I challenge or rewrite the rules or set procedures, they will know that it is born from strong conviction.

Weakness:  Harmony

"What are you resisting"?  Harmony? Maybe. Silence? Denial? 

Yes. 

So for the sake of resisting the things I find hard to agree with I really battle walking away to keep the peace for the sake of harmony. Awareness has helped me wait until I react. It has also helped me choose how to react. Thus tapping into my Top 10 before I allow my non-patterns to define my actions, I embrace my strongest talents to motivate my actions. 

For me, trust is clothed in harmony. Harmony cannot exist in situations where truth has no voice.

I love my Harmony where it is. That is where I trust it. Ready. Not absent. Just ready.

Weakness:  Restorative 

I was busy fiddling with an oooold Blackberry phone that my youngest (she is 6..) wants to have as "her phone", while contemplating my contribution wrt my #34. I then asked my eldest if she thought I was good at fixing things. True to her 17 years she rolled her eyes, sighed and indicated (wordlessly of course) that I was asking her while I was busy fixing this old phone. I then rephrased my question and asked her if she thought I wanted to fix things.

Her answer was this: Well, maybe it's not so much because you want to, but because you can.
And that is just it. Since I can remember I have been labelled my father's right hand. Being practical and innovative (hopefully due to a healthy mix between my strategic and ideation), I have always been the fixer. The yellow pages of the family. "Ask Lizelle, they said" rings true. I fix everything, from broken school shoes to light bulbs to printers. But maybe not because I want to. Maybe only because I can. Then it is a skill, not a talent.

What I can say to support Restorative at #34 relates to my sewing abilities. I used to love designing and sewing dresses without a pattern but with a picture in my mind. Once something went wrong and I had to fix the problem, the design lost its appeal and I would leave it and store it, untouched for years in cardboard boxes. 

I never liked fixing those.

Still need some coaching on this one though!

Lizelle Loock is an Gallup Certified Strengths Coach

lizelleloock@gmail.com 

Embracing my Weaknesses - while still being true to my Strengths

Strengths Institute recently had a 5 Day Weakness Awareness Challenge with their Network of Strengths Coaches.  We do not believe you should ignore your Weaknesses!  You should rather embrace it in a confidently vulnerable attitute.  Learn from it....but don't try to make it a strength.Over 5 days, each participant took one of their lowest 5 Talent Themes (Non Patterns) and reflected on the impact it has on personal thoughts, emotions and behaviour - from a weakening perspective.The feedback was incredible!  We decided to post some of the experiences of the Coaches as Blog Posts.  Enjoy!






Liesel Teversham - Strengths Institute Accredited Strengths Coach

Weakness:  Communication

When I found this was in my draining talents, it was actually the biggest RELIEF for me. 

I've known for many years that loads of talking drains me and I always thought there was something wrong with me. I used to teach 2 and 3 day workshops (up until 3 years ago) and after those, I was simply exhausted for a week or more. I couldn't understand what was 'wrong' with me. I LOVED the subject matter, the teaching, I was GOOD at it.... Why didn't I feel energized??

Now, I can see how it's the verbal expression that's tiring for me. The teaching I'll always be great at, the subject I know inside out - and I've had to come to terms with the fact that to keep my energy at acceptable levels, I'll need to manage HOW I teach in a different way. 

I also need to be careful how I structure my week. For coaching clients, I've realised I can't have more than 2 per day. 3 sends me over that healthy tip - then I wake up tired the next day and it gets worse from there. 

I started a podcast about a year ago and I've tried video marketing. With both of them, I realised it's just not the most FUN marketing activity for me. In fact, I start dreading it. I have to think very, very carefully about what I want to say beforehand. I have to do so much preparation that takes up way too much time. And I worry that I'm going to forget what I wanted to say. I'm NOT good thinking on my feet when I need to reply or do a talk 'on the spot'. 

I wish this one was a bit higher up in my list.  There's a lot more exploration for me to do here. I want to find the 'sweet spot' of how much verbal communicatiogn is good for me, and how far I can 'push' this one. 

I just hate that feeling of exhaustion after 2 days of talking and thinking about how to say things.

(And as you can see by the long post, WRITTEN expression is a different story. That energizes me like few other things.)

Weakness:  Significance  

Part of me just wants to keep this short and simply say
"I DETEST THE SPOTLIGHT!"

But I'll say a few more words. The writer in me can't resist.

I've worked on this thing for years with my tools and I'm so much better than I can remember myself as a child. To this day, when we have to go around the room and introduce ourselves in any environment, my heart starts beating like a train on a track when it gets to 2 or 3 away from me. 

I CAN look calm, I CAN say thank you nicely to acknowledgement of something I did that put me center stage... and boy, I don't enjoy it. When I published my first book in 2013 and I had a book launch in CT, I didn't enjoy all the fuss being made of me. Yes, it was a significant accomplishment for me. And I felt seriously proud. But I didn't need or want all that fuss from others. 

Center stage is not my spot. And I know I've judged people in the past because I thought they seemed arrogant or egotistical - I didn't understand this talent at the time. It always amazes me when people LOVE the attention and come alive when they're in the spotlight. 

It's just so not what I want. I cringe, blush, fiddle and can't wait to go back to my quiet space of observing. 

Hehe. How remarkably different we all are.

Weakness:  Includer

I had the biggest insight about something that I've been struggling with, and it came on the right day (Includer awareness) - while I was preparing for a talk about Strengths I'm doing next week for a small group in the US.

I've never had a need to be Included in everything. Peer pressure never did it's thing on me, even as a teenager. I didn't care whether I was included in parties and the 'cool' kids. And I often feel like I keep myself apart from people. It bugs me in a way because I feel like I don't belong, and yet I realise it's ME that's excluding myself. 

But the insight I had just now sheds some light on where it's a DRAINING talent for me. 

I've had some clients recently that had me feeling EXTRA drained. Communication at 30 means I have to be careful with how many appointments I can schedule on a day. And I thought that was the only thing that caused my tiredness. But..... here's the next piece. 

I often have an internal struggle between Empathy/Connectedness/Individualization on the one hand, and Includer on the other. Those first talents prod me to include EVERYONE in the work I do, especially those who struggle with emotional things. I want to help them all! 

But... the Includer finds it draining to include everyone! And the clients I've been working with recently are not my absolute favourite clients, truthfully. I feel BAD and guilty to admit this - and that's Empathy and Individualization talking, NOT Includer. 

But I suddenly realized now with a sigh of relief that perhaps it's BECAUSE I've tried to Include even non-ideal clients, that it's draining for me. 

Boy. I have a lot to sit with and process now. It's a fabulous insight for me.

Weakness:  Command

Oooh this one has always frightened me with my Harmony at #4.

I have huge resistance to 'take charge'. I remember one time on a week-long workshop, each person in a 10-member team had a chance to 'take charge' of the meal preparation (for the rest of the participants). I knew my time was coming and I thought I had it handled. 

But when push came to shove, and the whole team looked at me for 'instructions' on who had to do what, I promptly burst into tears and crumbled. Phew. Embarrassing, to say the least. 

I'd much rather let someone else call the shots, I'll happily follow instructions and decisions. As long as I don't have to make them - especially FOR other people. Or tell them what I think they should do. I run for the hills. 

Also, I used to be really frightened of people with this 'presence'. I'm not anymore - but I'm still not all that comfortable. And I feel (with my Empathy) sometimes that they discount me because I just cannot push back, I'd rather agree. I really don't enjoy that feeling of being 'discounted' and yet in a way it doesn't bother me. If I had Includer higher, it probably would. 

I am working a couple of hours a week at the moment for an IT company and I suspect the CEO has some 'Command' in him. I know I NEED to give him at least a little pushback... and sheeez it's tough for me. I can FEEL him not respecting me if I'm too meek. 

I really resist this talent.

Weakness:  Activator

Sighing deeply about this one... I never realised (until I started seeing this pattern a couple months ago) how often I say in my head "I'll do it later / just now."

Big problem. Later often doesn't arrive.

I was in this exact situation again yesterday... Over a couple of days or 2 weeks I receive a few requests for help/support/work/ participating in something. I think "I'll think about it and decide later."

And then all of a sudden (well, haha) it's built up to a pile of decisions I need to make, I feel overwhelmed and unable to think clearly. Anxiety about everything I need to deal with then.... 

My Intellection at 5 has a huge impact here - it needs time to process and think before deciding or doing. They fuel each other unfortunately.

I have a good friend with Activator in his T5. I once told him my thought process of "I'll do it later." He burst out laughing and said that never, ever, ever crosses his mind. We have fun with each other now around this.

I find it soooo hard to get up early or starting projects. When I've started I can finish, no problem (with Achiever at 10). But boy, the starting energy is EVER so low. 

Liesel Teversham is an accredited Strengths Coach with the Strengths Institute South Africa.

liesel@clearspace.za.net 

How you can overcome the detrimental impact of your weaknesses, to better build on your Strengths

by Dries Lombaard, Strategic Leadership Institute

Obviously the ultimate goal and sensible wisdom is to always focus on your natural talents and increasing their impact as strengths.  You cannot and should not ignore your weaknesses.  Your weaknesses are those activities filled with the type of thinking, emotions or behaviors, which naturally drains you – very much the same as "kryptonite" steals the energy from Superman.

Ignoring these detriments will never be the answer to excelling in your Strengths. But, you also cannot afford to spend too much time and energy on managing those weaknesses, as the logical result won’t be Strengths-based excellence and results.

Furthermore, weakness is not the only problem when it comes to flowing in your talents.  I found that “strengths running wild” can cause a lot more damage and detriment than passive weaknesses.  When it come to your talents, you cannot “switch them off” – and you should never attempt to, as you will fail.  But, each strength has a volume knob.  You can turn the specific strength-volume up or down as needed.  At times a specific strength (or a combination) may need to be on full blast.  In other situations you need to turn it down to maybe become hardly audible….or simply a soft background tune.   We call this “managing your talents well”, and it is the absolute key to a strengths-based life or career.

In my experience as a professional Strengths Coach and Talent Advisor, I adopted a “Four S” approach as a tool to advise someone stuck within their weaknesses, or just as possible, stuck in a position for which they simply do not have the right mix of natural talent to sustainably support them from inside.  These Four “S’s” form a very practical and simple way to limit the detriment caused by either weaknesses or by mismanaged talents.

First “S” – Stop doing it.

It is interesting how quick people are to respond to this advice with a “that’s simply not possible”.  Agreed, sometimes it won’t be possible to get out of a job, out of a relationship or out of a detrimental situation.  But on the other hand, if you ask any person who successfully build on their strengths and limit the impact of their weaknesses, they will tell you about high risk moves and sacrifices they made in order to achieve a strengths-filled life.   And very often it was to say "no", walk away or - yes - to even resign.  Because I have done some of this myself more than once in my life and career, I am not ignorant about the risk, the consequences and the implication.  Therefor this decision should be considered very carefully. 

 On the other hand, I am also convinced that the word and negative label “quitting” is very unfortunate.  Quitting is not per definition foolish, bad or failure.  It is the timing and reason behind quitting that makes is foolish or wise, good or bad or a success or a failure.  Contrary to conventional opinion, I do not believe in the "never quit" slogan.  Wisdom is to know when to quit, and when not to.  I believe you can “quit wisely.”  And please remember – quitting is not always as radical as you are made to believe.  You can, for instance, quit within your job, relationship or venture without quitting the job, relationship or venture.  Think about this…. Quitting does not always imply finality.

So do not let yourself (or someone else) get off too easy when you consider simply stopping going down the road you are on.  You may even be surprised at the reaction of others if you decide to stop going down the road you are on.  Some won’t even notice.  Others will praise you for doing it (and may even be relieved!)  Yes, you will also be criticized – but honestly, that will be the case even when you carry on also, as you know that you are already not performing on that road.

Second “S” – Skill can pull you through.

Talent is not the same as skill.  You can acquire skill in an area for which you have simply no talent – and thus also no appetite.  That is why you get people who are excellent in what they do, but who simultaneously hate what they do.

The ultimate aim in life is to acquire the type of skills that will align with your talents, thus turning it into strengths.   But skill can also be the key to help you get out of weakness traps or “detriment spirals”.  If you identify specific skills to make up for lack of talent, you can really overcome tricky situations and reach goals – without sacrificing your strengths focus in the process.

For instance, if you are lacking executing talents supporting you in natural goal-setting and time-management (like Achiever, Arranger, Focus or Discipline to name a few) you may consider investing in some skills when it comes to time-management, planning and goal setting.  All of these qualities can be enhanced with skills, and there are plentiful books, people and organizations available that specialize in teaching these skills.  

 Or, if you lack the talents and energy to flow with more personal and intimate relational situations which require talents like Empathy, Individualization, Harmony or Relator, you can always spend time acquiring much needed relational skills through coaching, counseling, reading more on the dynamics behind it and becoming more aware of how it functions.  The knowledge and skill will carry you far when it comes to your stretch within emotional or relational situations.  But of course, those situations will always have a draining effect on you, and you won’t ever be as natural within that space than someone who are wired for it.

Please understand me clearly:  I do not with this advice suggest that you can or should do anything by simply acquiring the skill.  I firmly believe that success in life is not about the attitude “I can do anything I set my mind to” (even if there is some truth to it), but rather about “I should do very specific things that I am naturally talented to do”. If  you do not have an appetite or natural sense to, for instance, do time management well and with high energy and persistence, you will also find it a stretch and pretty difficult to acquire the skill to do it. But you still can. And it can help you a lot.   

Having the skills will never turn those activities into high-energy flow areas for you, but it can help you getting to a level where it is no longer such a detriment that it becomes an obstacle in your career, relationships or personal goals.  It may even save you form some very embarrassing moments.

Third “S” – Support is crucial to win.

A Strengths-based mindset always think as follows: “Who can support me with their Strengths in the areas where I am weak?"  It is impossible to live a Strengths-based life alone.   Support is crucial to win.

There are nearly always people close to you – colleagues, friends, family or partners – who are naturally strong where you are weak.  There are those energized by execution of tasks and finishing it in time, even if that is like “kryptonite”, or a blind-spot to you.  Your colleague may thrive in relational interaction even if you do not.  Your partner may be a natural strategic thinker, great with ideas or analytically brilliant, even if that area is a complete minefield to you.  There are those around you who can influence people in a way that will astonish you, and you may desperately need them at your side.

I followed with interest over my years as a Strength Coach the way people naturally and mostly unknowingly “tap” into the natural talents of those around them.  As humans we are mostly drawn to those who are strong in areas where we are weak….(maybe that is exactly why opposites attract, right?).  Thus you will find that you were maybe already seeking out support from others who are strong in areas of your weakness.  But even if this is the case, you will raise the bar of energy and excellence for them and you if you do it with more intention.  If you approach them with confidence, which may reveal your vulnerability, but at the same time celebrate their strengths.

That brings me to the most important part of seeking support in your weakness: being vulnerable.  Brene Brown (www.brenebrown.com) brought the importance of vulnerability to light with her books (especially “Daring Greatly”, and talks.  One of her powerful quotes:  “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”

What is the best way to be vulnerable, getting support you need? 

I have one word:  “Ask.”

Fourth “S” – Situational talent application is wise.

Use your talents wisely.  Talent that aligns with the activity, situation or challenge becomes real Strengths.  For talent to be strength it needs to flow within the situation of challenge for which it was made.

Managing your talents – both the strengths and weaknesses, means managing the situation. Managing the situation comes down to the choices you make:  to engage or disengage, to offer your help or to say no when asked, to simply push through with grid or to quit wisely.  We often do not see the way we choose the situation we find ourselves in.  How often do I here the comment “But I have / had no choice…”  In almost all instances that turns out as a lie.  You always have some choice – if it is not directed towards creating circumstance, it definitely is towards reacting to circumstance.  Knowing the best situations where your talents can play and flow will guide your choices towards playing to your strengths – and embracing your weaknesses as vulnerability not to be ashamed of.

People often only realize their limitations when they are already in a situation.  We call that “learning”.  How else will you know where your strengths fade and your weakness starts?  If you do not learn from it, you are a fool. Next time, that same learning leads to wise situational decisions.

Some talent themes find this an extremely difficult scenario to get out of – and an easy predicament to get into.  I can think of Responsibility, Self-Assurance, Achiever, Activator and Competition, just to name a few.  On the flip side, some talents won’t get to learn from situational application, as they may be far too hesitant to take the risk.  Think of Deliberative, Intellection, Analytical or even Harmony as a couple of examples.

The point is: choose your scenarios carefully.  Sometimes risk, sometimes don’t.  You always have a choice – even if the situation was not your choice. Play to your strengths within the situation. Apply your talents with wisdom.

As my good friend and mentor DeAnna Murphy (www.unlockingstrengths.com)  taught me, you need to be confident in your strengths, but vulnerable in your weaknesses. Strengths built confidence. Weaknesses identifies vulnerability.  The ultimate Strengths-based life or career is one of confident-vulnerability.  I found that the "Four S" approach is a practical way to accomplish this, or to guide others.

Try it.

Dries Lombaard is the co-owner of Strategic Leadership Institute and NeuWorx, and has more than 7000 hours of Strengths Coaching experience over the last decade.  He is leading a vibrant and growing network of Strengths Coaches in Southern Africa, and works with corporate and multinational leadership and management teams and C-level leaders as a Strengths Coach and training facilitator.  

Conflict - Productive or Destructive?

I recently watched an episode of the reality series "Top Shot", where sharp shooters compete for a $100'000 prize as being the number one shot.
In between shooting competitions, the all stay together in a house.  Obviously there are some pretty interesting human interaction between them - being highly competitive in the way they are.  In one of these situations, there was a showdown between two contestants, Mike and Jake.  
The confrontation reached boiling point when the two macho men stood face to face, daring each other to throw the first punch.  Jake was especially intentional to intimidate Mike to throw a punch at him, which will lead to immediate elimination from the contest. The anger and aggression on Mikes face was clearly visible.  The veins in his neck belted, and with clenched fists and gritting teeth he looked as if he was going to drop Jake with a tremendous blow.

Then something amazing happened. Suddenly Mike said in a soft voice: "Jake, I am not going to fight you."  Jake went on to lash out at him, calling him names and swearing at him in his face. Then suddenly Mike dropped his shoulders visibly, opened his fists and relaxed his muscles.  It was so intentional you could clearly see the conscious self control in his actions. He calmly smiled at Jake, turned and walked away, with Jake fuming and shouting further insults at him.

It was the best example of self control that I have ever seen. It was intentional, conscious and deliberate. It was control that you could see flowing from a mindful decision towards his whole body.  Although Jake (the weaker one in terms of emotional intelligence and self control) viewed Mike as weak and wimpy for backing down, everybody knew that Mike won the confrontation. He won it with self control.

Conflict is a given where two or more human beings interact.  It is simply a matter of time before the sparks fly. Water colliding with water makes a huge splash, wind blowing against wind creates tornado's, one rock cracks another and iron sharpens iron. No matter what you are made of, conflict is never gentle, quiet or smooth. 

Is it productive?  Now that is not a given.  That is a choice.  It is not a matter of pure luck, it is a matter of how you approach it, engage with it and handle it, which makes conflict either productive or destructive.

Conflict is not a monster.

The same can be said of conflict than is said of fire:  it makes a a cruel master, but an effective slave.  Conflict only dominates you if you allow it to. If you keep it within boundaries, and know when to give it fuel and when to starve it, conflict can be one of your most valuable companions.
True - just like fire, conflict is not always started or controlled by yourself.  But, you always have the choice how you are going to react to it. Are you going to use it to your advantage, or allow it to consume you, your team or your organization. because it has the ability to do either.  You decide if you engage the fire of conflict, or if you flee from it.

Conflict is both contextual, and personal.

Conflict is always born from the same soil:  a "need". Conflict starts where a need...or many needs, are not met.  And we all have needs of some sort. Some of these needs are very basic, even up to a point of survival, and we will literally fight for those needs.  Other needs are based on priority and value, and we constantly and daily consider these priorities against the energy, time and effort it may take to engage in conflict for the sake of the need.
Thus, conflict is personal. And contextual.  The skill you need is to distinguish between the two, and respond accordingly.  If you never contextualize conflict, you cannot add value through participating in it.  If you never take it personally, you won't grow.

Your emotional reaction to conflict is normal - but manageable.

We are wired to react with emotion towards conflict.  The way we react is something we need to control.  Some people are energised by conflict in various ways.  Others again seek to avoid conflict at all cost, as they experience negative emotions with it. Understanding your own natural emotional reaction towards conflict is key towards personal functionality in all walks of life.
Our brains are naturally created to be on the constant lookout for danger and confrontation.  We instinctively see or sense situations of danger that may lead to some kind of conflict.  Our brains then trigger the release of certain chemicals like adrenaline that enable our survival within the emerging danger.  We call this the "fight or flight" response.  In normal situations this response is a reaction we cannot be without.  But different circumstances, like stress to name one, can cause over reaction within either the fight or the flight response.  This is also why we have to train our brain to be able to distinguish between the contextual and personal elements involved in situations.  Conflict can thus be either productive or destructive. You can manage your reactions.  Like any skill, it takes effort and time to master, but you need to start with a conscious awareness of what happens beneath and above the surface in situations of conflict.

Strengths Based Conflict Management

Each one of us is unique in more ways than we can ever imagine possible.  We have our own unique combination of strengths (activities that strengthens us) and weaknesses (activities that drains us). Our personal patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving is one of a kind over all mankind.  Therefor only one person can be the master of your personal skills and patterns - you.
When we try to manage conflict better or more productively than we do, it is important that we understand how our talents (recurring patterns of though, emotions and behaviour) affects our environment. Self awareness on many fields is the one important first step towards the skills of conflict management.


- by Dries Lombaard, Director: Strategic Engagement, The Strengths Institute.