Conflict. As much a part of life as breathing.
Conflict is not a popular subject for many. It is seen as destructive many times, although it may actually be one of the most productive allies you have. (Read about it in a blog post I wrote.)
It all depends on the "HOW". The style and skill in which you engage with conflict will make all the difference in the world.
There are five well know conflict managing styles. They are:
- Avoiding,
- Accommodating,
- Compromising,
- Collaborating and
- Competing.
You probably chose one of the above as your style the moment that you read it. Or, you saw a face of someone that personalise one of the styles for you.
Which one of these styles are the best way to approach conflict?
That all depends on the situation. Conflict is always extremely contextual. Therefor each of the five different styles of conflict management will have results and benefit within a specific context. The same applies for using it in the wrong context: you can then expect results that may have no effect, or even make things a lot worse.
You should be able to determine two levels of energy before you engage into conflict. The level of Cooperation, and the level of Competitiveness. The degree in which each of these two levels combine, is an indicator to which style will fit best in the context.
Have a look at the graph below to see it illustrated.
As you can see above, the level of cooperation and competitiveness is key to understanding where the specific style fits in best.
- Low on both cooperation and competitiveness, and you may just as well avoid the conflict, as there are no interest or energy involved in any case.
- High on cooperation but low on competitiveness, and you know that there will be room for accommodating differences.
- Average levels of cooperation and competitiveness means compromise may well be needed, and that style will achieve success.
- High on competitiveness but low on cooperation, and a competitive style will take the lead and win the argument.
- High on both cooperation and competitiveness - collaboration is the key to resolving the issue at hand.
Projecting your style - judging the other style
Humans are natural projectors. We cannot help it. It comes completely natural to us simply because we view the world through our natural lens of unique "wiring". This fact was researched and studied in psychology, neurology, philosophy, theology and many other human sciences. We do not see the world as it is. We see the world as we are.When it comes to conflict and interaction between people we cannot help but project our own emotions, thoughts, beliefs, values and experience onto the situation we find ourselves in. Maybe a better word than "projection" would be "perspective". You argue from your own perspective - or at least from a perspective we adopted from someone or something else.
There is not a problem with projecting or arguing your perspective - on the contrary, this is what makes each one of us unique. The problem comes in when we cannot understand, accommodate or respect the projection and perspective of someone else and the, unfortunately, we often make the error of judging someone unfairly or incorrectly. Judgment is not the same as discernment. Judgment is final. Judgment means the end of the argument has been reach. In a court of law judgment follows the closing arguments. In the very same manner, if we judge unfairly and prematurely based on solely our own projection and perspective, we fall in the trap of shutting down the creative process of a conflict situation.
The problem with judgment is that it effectively ends any argument - even if only in your own mind - and even though we may continue the discussion or even pretend to still be listening and engaging, our mind has been made up. We judged.
When it comes to managing conflict we should be very aware of our natural tendency to project from the essence of our own style, and judge a different or opposing style. It is actually a natural defence mechanism. We want to protect our own secure perspective. But it also limits us from learning and growing - and often reaching a best solution....or even from building a truly great relationship based on respect and understanding. This is probably the one most detrimental aspect when it comes to bad conflict management.
How not to judge
Actually there is nothing wrong with judging. It is judging from the wrong perspective, or judging prematurely that causes detriment in relations, situations and interactions. So a better statement should probably be "How not to judge prematurely or falsely".Our attempt should not be directed towards not judging but towards when and why we choose to judge in a specific manner.
In attempting this, one of the most powerful tools we have, is self awareness. Being aware of where our own emotions, intentions and perceptions originate and the behaviour it creates. Being aware of our natural Style of Conflict that we will default towards - Accommodating, Collaborating, Compromising, Avoiding or Competing.
My first advice on this is that you spend some time thinking about the five styles, and through honest introspection choose your most natural one or two styles that you would act out in a conflict situation. You may find that your reaction within a specific style could be determined by the context and situation, which is a good sign of self awareness and a mature approach within conflict. Sometimes avoiding a situation is the wisest move, but at other times you may absolutely need to compete.
I will soon write a follow-up blog post on which of the 34 StrengthsFinder Talent Themes most naturally prefer a specific conflict style. This will be even more helpful to you in both self awareness and in growing within your ability to manage conflict wisely.
Dries Lombaard is the co-owner of Strengths Institute South Africa, and has more than 7000 hours of Strengths Coaching experience over the last decade. He is leading a vibrant and growing network of Strengths Coaches in Southern Africa, and works with corporate and multinational leadership and management teams and C-level leaders as a Strengths Coach and training facilitator.
