"How do I get more influence?"I hear this question a lot. Every time I sit down with a young leader, in fact. I hear it at the end of the day, too, ringing in my ears. Because it's something I often ask myself.
For most of my life, I've wanted to be popular. Isn't this what we're plagued with for most of our young lives -- the seductive temptation to be "cool"?
In grade school, I used to watch the other kids play outside while I remained indoors, lamenting to my mom that no one wanted to play with me.
"Why don't you just go join them?" my mother would ask, sighing. I never did.
In high school, in between being bullied by upperclassmen, I would watch movies, drink too much soda, and complain that I never had anything to do.
"Why don't you call someone, Jeff?! Be the initiator." She had memorized the script by now.
Eventually, I did. But it took an inciting incident as powerful as a friend collapsing dead on the gymnasium floor before I would get off the couch. Sometimes, it takes a tragedy for us to realize what's important. For me, it was the realization that relationships matter, but that they take intentionality to build.
We all want influence, but very few of us are willing to do the work earn it. Influence begins (and ends) with relationship. A lot of young leaders overlook this. Here are three reasons why.
1. Pride
I think I'm hot stuff. So do other young leaders. We all want to be self-made men and women. We've got a degree, a great skill set, and ambition. Isn't that enough? No. No it's not.
Excellent leaders recognize that they need the help of others to succeed. They count on it. They build teams of people who are strong in the areas that they're weak. And they're humble enough to admit what those areas are.
2. Laziness
Relationship takes work. A lot more work than just sitting in a corner with all your great ideas and vision, waiting for someone to notice you.
Relationships are "squishy." They require a certain amount of intuition. For a task-oriented person like me, they're easier just to skip. But if you do that, you forego the opportunity to influence. You end up with no one to lead and no real work to do.
3. Fear
Relationships are risky, especially new ones.
We may say that we're "not touchy feely" or "Type A," but let's call it what it is: fear. We're afraid to risk rejection or failure, so we avoid the messiness of relationship.
Fear holds us back from being our true selves. Fear is a liar. Fear will raise irrational doubts and fears in you that you never would have thought on your own.
Fear is the enemy to success. And you must slay it today if you're going to lead tomorrow.
What do you do?
There is no magic bullet or formula for working through each of these obstacles. We must simply choose to make relationships matter.
The most successful leaders in the world are not successful merely because of their abilities or their accomplishments. They're successful, because they've learned how to build and harness important relationships.
In fact, successfully building influential relationships may be the hardest skill of all.
So how do you become a person of influence? You do the opposite of the above:
1. Serve
You humble yourself. Join someone else's dream before trying to launch your own. Come alongside someone else's dream before trying to launch your own.
2. Hustle
Notice that I didn't say "stalk." Work hard to deepen existing relationships and build new ones. Go the extra mile. Show up early. Leave late. Show the person that you're trying to build a relationship with that you value their time. Say "thank you."
3. Risk
Saying "be brave" (as a solution to the obstacle of fear) would ring hollow and untrue. It doesn't work like that.
Courage is not just facing fear, but working through it.
Take risks. Make bold asks. Practice being brave, and pretty soon you actually will be.